Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Union Square

Anyone know where Union Square is, in New York City?

Obviously, it's "a square," which is to say a spot of open space in the middle of buildings and streets. I went the other day, because (3 days a week) they house an incredible farmer's market.

And while I got off at the right subway stop (that part is easy) I exited out an incorrect door. H always knows, with some incredible instinct, which is the exit that is inches from his destination. Me? Nope. I exit two blocks away from where I need to be.

But no matter, I say to myself. It's a beautiful day and the sun is shining and I haven't been to Union Square in a dog's age. Look! That restaurant has changed names and cuisines. That theatre is now a church! And I'm going to pass by the toy shop, so I can go in and look for that thing for H.

Except that the toy store is now a baby shop.

I don't know why I was so stunned. But I was seriously stunned. To the point that I cannot, do not, cannot tell you what THAT THING was that caused me to head for what I thought was a toyshop. Clueless.

So there I was, dead in my tracks in front of a Baby Store.

And I went in.

There was a short, chubby employee who greeted me when I walked in. Or at least I think she may have greeted me; I saw her lips moving but my heart was pounding SO LOUD I couldn't hear a thing. I smiled warmly (wanly?) and moved on.

I wandered rudderless a while. WHAT AM I DOING HERE I kept asking myself. AM I INSANE was next on the FAQ. IS THIS EVEN HEALTHY followed. My heart was thudding. My breathing was shallow. No joke, there was a moment when I thought I was going to pass out.

So I focused on a bottle display and forced myself to breathe. BREATHE. Told myself, I will not be afraid of this place. BREATHE. I will be back here, one day, to select things for my registry. For my baby. For my family. BREATHE.

And once the panic fled, I left. Head high.

STILL don't know if I was brave or crazy.


TeamWinks said...

To prove to yourself you can do it, and to take the power away from the "things" that represent what you want so much in your heart.

Bea said...

Can't you be both at the same time? I agree with TW on this one - sometimes it's good to do something to diminish the power infertility has over you.