Thursday, November 30, 2006

The MIS is MIA

My MIS test results were supposed to be back already, but due to the holiday, they've been delayed. My husband's been checking up at the clinic. The following conversation took place today:

H: Are the test results in yet?

Clinic: No, sir, we're sorry. We expect them in sometime Friday. We'll call your wife and let her know.

H: No.

Clinic: What?

H: No. Don't call her.
Clinic: Sir.. I... (insert very confused noises)

H: See, my wife is convinved that I'll get better news, because the universe likes me. So don't call her, call me.

Clinic: (laughing) Will do!

Why I love him... among other reasons.

Monday, November 27, 2006

My Vow (to myself)

My boss informed me that I am "on the list" to be hired. (Hmm, so probably not the best idea to be blogging at work?). I nosed around as much as possible and found that there's a chance that I could get "hired" in December. I have been working here for three years, and now I might get "hired." Go figure.

Now, because I live in the State of New York, any employer with more than 40 employees (and my company counts) has to provide health insurance, and the health insurance has to cover infertility (until I am 44 years old. Which is far too close for comfort).

I have tried to find health insurance on my own. The cheapest was $600 a month and the most expensive was $1,100. Both were varying shades of wretched, and neither covered IF. (Hey. Let's face it. Neither covered optical, dental or chiropractic, either). So to hear I might be WEEKS away from being covered makes me adoa little happy dance.

But this is my vow: If I do not have Health Insurance by New Year's Eve, I'm going looking for a job that has one.

Sunday, November 26, 2006


Well, this was our year to host Thanksgiving. So my Brother and SIL came and condescended. And my Father came and planted himself in front of football. And my MIL got into the flan and got sick.

How was your Thanksgiving?

The nice part was that H and I got to spend time together. I tortured Brother and SIL (as well as Papi) into our traditional M.onopol.y tournament. Very fun, but MIL is much better at P.ictionar.y. (Maybe for Christmas).

This will be our only family holiday this year, as this is the only holiday where family comes to us. Traveling with an Alzheimer's victim is a challenge on a good day; traveling during the holidays is sheer hell. ESPECIALLY in the post 9/11 world. Once, my MIL was even detained by security for behaving suspiciously.

So no more holiday travel for us...

We took a hard look at our budget, and realized that even if we wanted to, we couldn't afford any travel in the near future. Much less any Christmas presents of heft.

Maybe next year...

Saturday, November 25, 2006

i hate this

This has got to be the worst 2ww in the history of 2wws. To find out what my chances are... crap. Damn. Of course I want to know, but damn I don't want to know. I want to have a baby. I want to have my baby -- mine and H's. I want to look at a little face and see a link that connects me and my father and my grandmother and all the way back. I want that. I want that. And in less than a week I get to find out my chances.

If you're just tuning in, my old RE is on maternity leave (I never get tired of that). My new RE recommended this new test, called MIS. It's supposed to tell me what my chances are. But it's so damn new that it takes for-FREAKING-ever to get the test results. I should have gotten them already, but as it is a holiday weekend, it'll take extra time.

And I just know... the tests are going to be middle of the road. Average. Mark my words.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Waiting on the Telephone

Today, my husband called me up all excited: The results from my Day 2 test were NORMAL. I didn't see what was so fabulous to be excited about, but I've had more of these than he has.

We've got a new deal, my husband and I. Now he takes (and makes) all phone calls to the RE. I say it's because I have NO PRIVACY at my job, and that I am ALWAYS on the phone at my job (I'm basically a dispatcher, in an office setting, of office work.) I say it's that I'm sick of coping with crappy news in the middle of work. And while these are factors, they are not the complete truth.

The truth is this: the universe likes my husband better than me. Really. He gets good news, I get bad. Consistenly, religiously, ridiculously. He calls the charge card companies, they lower rates, extend credit lines, and send him complimentary gifts. Me, they scold to be more prompt with payment. The list goes on. God loves H. Me, the almighty is a little cranky with.

So H. will be taking all calls, most especially from the RE, and extra super-duper especially the one about my MIS result. I am completely freaking aobut the result of this MIS test. I've done more research and it appears to be everything it was sold to be: the test will say how good of a candidate I am for IVF. It will predict my personal and specific possible percentages of success.

No pressure, eh?

Monday, November 20, 2006

and today i figures out how to post comments

apologies to those who posted and I didn't publish... I just didn't know how!

MIS Test -- have you heard of it?

So my husband and I went to see my new RE on Friday. (My old RE is still on maternity leave). The RE read over my file and recommended I take a MIS test. This stands for Müllerian Inhibiting Substance and is supposed to be able to predict "both ovarian reserve and embryo morphology." In other words, before I go broke with IVF cycles, this will give an indication as to if they have a shot at working.

I am terrified. I figure there are only three responses: Good, Bad and Indifferent. Truly, the one that scares me the most is indifferent. A Good result will give me hope, a Bad result will take it away (and force the adoption question) but an Indifferent result... keeps me in hell.

And let's face it... I'm scared of the Bad result, too. To go from "maybe, maybe" to "definitely not!" Is it better to have no hope?

Has anyone heard of this test? My new RE says they've only been using it for the past six months. Has anyone taken it? Passed? Anything?

The History of Me

I haven't been very clear on this, so let me take you on My Fertility Journey.

About a million years ago (7? 5? I've lost count), I didn't have health insurance, but my employer offered free OB appointments, and I took one. And the doc mumbles something about fibroids and tumors and cancer and never being a mother.

I went out and spent thousands of dollars (no health insurance, remember?) and found out that I was basically okay, (no tumors, no fibroids to speak of, no cancer) but the "never having kids" thing... scared me.

About four years ago, I met my husband, told him of the doc's pronouncement and H encouraged me to find out for sure. I went to a new Gyno (who I love) who gave me a thorough check up and could find nothing wrong... save a minor thyroid condition.

So I get put on the synthroid, and H and I keep trying. It doesn't work, and I find that when I try to use ovulation detectors... nothing happens. I try C.lomi.d, and for the first time I score on the ovulation pee test. But still no baby.

My gyno runs tests. He tests, I test. H's s.per.m is... not good. Low volume, low count, poor motility. He has varicocele-ectomy, with only minimal improvement. So we go to my (now former) RE.

Now it's time to find out everything that's wrong with me. My FSH is not good. I get put on massive doses of ungodly expensive drugs and the result is still not good. Apparently, my body is stubborn and does not like to respond to drugs. We try IUIs and nothing.

Finally, we decide to try IVF. There's a clinic where his aunt lives, and it's cheap (relatively speaking) and Aunt says that she'll help with my MIL. So I take a month off of work and we journey the ten-hour car trip out there. And I end up with three (only) fertilized embryos and implant them all. I get a positive response, but a few weeks later it's discovered to be a chemical pregnancy. No dice.

(And, in non-related-to-me-news, H and I realize that Aunt canNOT cope with her sister's dementia, so all fantasies of leaving MIL in the warmer climate for the winter months evaporate).

And then I start a blog.

Hi, how are you?

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Thesauri Are Our Friends

I abhor, abominate, anathematize, can't stand, condemn, contemn, curse, deprecate, deride, despise, detest, disapprove of, disdain, disfavor, dislike, disparage, execrate, loathe, object to, recoil from, scorn, shudder at, shun, spit upon and spurn the V.isitin.g N.urs.e S.ervic.e. (If I have left any verbs out, please let me know).

These are the folks who are supposed to be supplying a Home Health Aide for my MIL. But they don't. Because, they say, they lost the paperwork. (Heard of a COMPUTER?)

I am very frustrated with them... Mostly because they are not responsive, nor responsible, nor dependable. Customer service is optional, it seems.

So, for the past week and a half, Husband and I have had to juggle lunches and appointments and beg neighbors and friends to help. And it hasn't gone well. H's boss said that while they sympathize with our situation, if he can't continue to be at work whenhe is supposed to be at work they will have to let him go. My boss said the same thing. And V.isitin.g N.urs.e refuses to return a phone call...

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Crunchy Granola

My husband is a hippie. Oh, don't let the fact that he's in a dress shirt and nicely pressed khakis fool you. He's a hippie. Which I mean in the nicest possible way...

For the longest time, H was convinced that we would get pregnant naturally. We just had to want it bad enough.

Well, then we started seeing doctors, and started learning what was wrong with me (and what was wrong with him) and he changed his mind. Kinda.

Yesterday he handed me something he had printed off of the internet. It's all about affirmations, and how to make them effective (ask yourself questions, give yourself concrete answers). He also handed me something on visualizations, and then walked me through how to visualize our next IVF treatment (or whatever we do) being effective.

Part of me loves this. I mean, it's positive, it's... it's restful. It helps to quiet the evil raging voice of doubt that rules my head. But another part of me wants him to just talk about adoption, to just consider the possibility that this will never work.

Okay, am I horrible?

Sunday, November 05, 2006

I love my husband (Do we let spouses read these?)

My husband and I have been doing a lot of talking. Mostly about what we are going to do next. Do we adopt? Do we try again? Do we hide in bed under our covers? (I was fond of that one last week).

Initially, Hubby was dead set against adoption. I don't know why. We've talked about it, and all he can say is that "adoption seems like giving up." We're talking about it, though. His grandparents (my MIL's parents) had wanted a bigger family than God granted, and adopted a boy and a girl. That... didn't turn out so well. My MIL's parents treated the adopted kids like second class citizens. I don't know if that's coloring his judgment.

Hubby found some sort of state program that promises to help pay for IVF if certain criteria are met. As we're poor and uninsured, I think we might qualify. He hasn't told me all the magical details; we're meeting with someone of the 17th to get all the details. He's so excited; he seems to thing that we can get an IVF cycle for 5 grand or less. If this turns out to be true I will so post all info with links attached.

I have to say; to see him pick up the banner like that... Its what has pulled me back from giving up. That he is working with me on this... that he is not angry, not hopeless, still confident and still going... Keeps me going.

Yesterday, Hubby is talking on the phone with his best friend. I was cleaning the kitchen, and heard snippets of conversation. First it was football (Giants are looking good this year) then it was jobs (best friend is thinking of switching) and then it was fertility. To hear my husband start to explain assisted hatching and EEC like he was one of you bloggers is both heartwarming and surreal.

Still don't know if it's true, but I found this:
New York State Grant for IVF

Now I know. There is a New York State Grant for IVF but I don't qualify. You need to only have a certain amount of drugs and I need the MAXIMUM amount. SO they're not going to cover me, not even a little bit. Hope this helps someone else...