Thursday, July 26, 2007

And I Sobbed Uncontrollably At Work

You know that bad day you had? A couple of weeks / days / hours back? When you were just so damn tired of being infertile? Of the toll it takes on your life, your heart, your freaking bank account, your relationships? And your back's aching because of physical therapy / hormones / you were trying to get fit? And your home care attendant has flaked on you? And a couple of other things, little things really, went wrong. You forgot your keys, your debit card, your work ID, your cash? And then someone teased you?

And then someone made an offhand comment about how THEY'D never do IVF / try to get pregnant at 40 / didn't want to wait until they were past 35 to get pregnant...

And you lost it?

Welcome to my Tuesday. Guess it was my turn to have the bad day.

Tuesday was so bad it bled into Wednesday. THAT'S when I started sobbing. Sobbing. And. Just. Couldn't. Stop. My manager pulled me into his office and wanted to know what was up. And I couldn't stop crying. I kept trying to change the subject, but he would not be dissuaded. So I started telling him. Getting teased at work. (I'm thorough in my explanations, which is not always well received). Mama. (Home care coordinator kept having issues coordinating) Debt. (Got lots of it because we paid for so much IF treatment). Husband (in charge of paying bills and budget, but keeps forgetting to open the mail and oh yeah pay the bills). IF (no further explanation needed). Miscarriage (doubled for two weeks and then stopped. Is that a chemical pregnancy? A blighted ovum? A miscarriage? Can I get a ruling from the judges, please? Until then, I call it a miscarriage).

Apologies for the whining. That's the worst of it -- how embarrassing it is when you lose it.

Thanks for the kind words. (I kind of feel as though I cried wolf). I'm not sure I deserved them, but I'll take them anyway.


Bea said...

Sounds like a wolf to me. Cry away.

Sometimes it's the straw that breaks the camel's back. The none-of-your-business comments people make. Fuck them. But of course, it's hard to say that when it's the straw breaking your back. Not that I'm saying you're a camel. I'm not even sure what that would mean, but it sounds insulting.

I may be getting off-track. I think I was trying to say I hope you feel better. It's horrible when life overwhelms you.


SULLY said...

I need to smack your co-workers with the big fat clue stick. WTF were they thinking.

I hope that in the coming days you find some solace...until then...hang w/us we will get you through!

squarepeg said...

You know how sometimes you whine and cry and someone talks sense into you and says "hey! cheer up, it could be worse!"

I'm not going to say that because Nica, you have SO. MUCH. on your plate. You have every right to be tired, and frustrated, and sad to your bones. Infertility alone is debilitating. Caring for chronically ill loved one is crippling. Dealing with bills in this economy is stressful for practically anyone. You NEVER need to justify why sometimes it's too much.

You need to share with us how you manage to hold it together the vast majority of the time. You are so strong - but no one can take this strain all the time without a "break" once it a while. So we will be your shoulder to cry on. Use us whenever you need it.

I hope this weekend brings a little relief.

SaraS-P said...

You have every right to cry, sob, and whine away.

Your co-workers sound like a-holes. That makes me furious.

hope548 said...

Sorry to hear about your bad day. Sometimes it has to come out. People really shouldn't judge, but I guess we do it all the time... yeah yeah, we do it all the time, yeah yeah yeah. Ok, that's just going to look dumb if you're not a Violent Femmes fan.

Hope you're feeling better and have a happy weekend.

Anns said...

sometimes all you need is a real hard cry to get it all out and feel better.

i hope you're feeling even just a teeny-tiny bit better now.

Anns xo

Dianne/Flutter said...

You didn't cry wolf. I am so sorry for the bad day. Giving you a great big hug. Hoping tomorrow or today is better.

Heather said...

I'm sorry Sweetie.

Let it out.