Sunday, July 22, 2007

Mama and the W.onder.Bra: Part 2

So we take the W.onder.Br.a home and my husband.. doesn't kill me. It gives Mama, ahem, a nice little bosom, which God did not provide. And, H says, as long as NO ONE EVER SEES the bra.

Fine. Phew.

And then. And then...

Shortly after purchasing the bra (and putting it on) I noticed Mama watching TV. Her hands are folded behind her neck, her head back, and her breasts are about a half inch from her chin.

Wait -- WHAT?

Yeah. Okay, the W.onder.Br.a is a thin, thin little thing. And Mama IS NOT. And while the bandeaux is hooked tightly behind her, and the straps are as loose as they can be... Somehow the 38A push up COMPLETELY escapes her breasts and starts heading for daylight.

Meanwhile her own breasts are a little farther down on her chest (about where you would expect breasts hanging out on their own on an 81-year-old woman would be) which means she had... 4.


I put the bra away, then, until I could think of something (anything) that would help to keep the bra in place. That Mama could live with. But, as you imagine, the bra was popular.

Most notably, I realized she was wearing it at brunch. And that, once again, the bra was making a break for it, and she had breast right parallel to her collar bone.

I reach over to try to pull the bra back into place. NOT well received. I ask Mama to, ahem, pull her bra down, but she doesn't realize that the two perfect cones she keeps hitting with her chin are NOT her breasts. I ask my husband to request she pull her bra down and OH DO I GET A LOOK. (Sons do not talk to their mommies about their boobies and bras, it seems).

I start hiding the bra, and she starts looking for it. And finding it. I put the bra up and out of her reach... and she still gets to it. Highest shelf of my utility closet... nope, found it there. Buried in one of my boots...nope, there it is. What is this thing, freaking super-natural? Does it have a homing beacon?

Finally, I go to a sewing supply store (the one thing New York does NOT have) and pick up 3" elastic and extra bra hooks. I have spent the weekend carefully sticking them all together to create the world's first ORTHOPEDIC PUSH UP BRA!

It looks freaking horrible, especially as I am the world's WORST sewer, but the bra stops riding into the sunset, so we let her wear it as we walk around the neighborhood this morning.

I make the mistake of asking her if the bra is moving, what have you. She stops, lifts her shirt and asks IS IT STILL THERE.

Oh, god. (It is still there, by the way. Should I patent my invention?)

(And if anyone asks, I did NOT make my husband WEAR the W.onder.Bra while I was pinning the elastic to it. Nope. Not me.)

(Okay, yeah, I did.)

(Looked good on him, too)


Bea said...

It goes on!

Well done on your skillfu sewing. And oh, how I long for sexy pictures of your Mr in a leopard-print pushup.


Schatzi said...

Thanks for the giggle. Mama is quite a character. Impressed you were able to fix the bra so mama doesn't do the four boob thing anymore. And I am with Bea...

Knock Me Up said...

What a man! He won't ask his mommy about her bra but he will put it on in order to help her be more comfortable and appropriate. That's love.
I love your posts.

SULLY said...

I LOVE this saga! YOu should write a book and include the MIL stories...and the title certainly should be this one.

Thanks for making us all giggle!!!

Dianne/Flutter said...

hahaha....thank you...tears in my funny!