Thursday, August 09, 2007

Okay. Here We Go.

We're going to try IVF again. Just... not this cycle.

In theory, I should have gone running into my new RE's practice this morning for the traditional blood and wand. But I didn't.

I didn't because I had to go to work early (too early to go to the RE's office). I didn't because my new insurance requires meds through mail order, which is rumored to take two weeks, and I haven't placed the order yet. I didn't because I hadn't talked to my husband about it, to make sure he was completely and totally on board with it.

And mostly, I didn't because I am absolutely terrified.

I've known for the past few weeks that I was stalling. I said that I had to get the results back from the Endocrinologist about my hypothyroid. (Check). I said that I wanted to make sure we had everything on our checklist completed. (Check). I said that I wanted to complete the how to inject yourself class, and H absolutely had to be there (check and check).

So now all there is left to it... is to do it.

I've been skipping listening to my MP3 player all week to listen to... me. To think (and think) about what the hell has me running scared. Here's what I've come up with:
► In five IUI cycles and one IVF cycle, I have never ever ever ever EVER produced more than four follicles.
► I ovulate early, which has baffled every RE I've ever had
► My insurance only covers two IVF cycles.

When we had orientation, we stayed after to chat with a nurse. She was nice, blonde and cheerful. She kept running from the room to find a doctor and answer H and my questions, as we kept stumping her. (Do we get points for this?)

But I need to make more eggs, I told the nurse! Isn't there some super extra something you can put me on to make more eggs?!?! I ask the nice nurse lady. She excuses herself, checks and says um.... no. Standard, generic protocol.

I point out that (for the first time ever) I had been put on the generic no-lupr0n protocol, where both other REs had very much liked the lupr0n. (Here's the thing, and please, someone tell me, have you ever heard of someone who started developing follicles while still menstruating? I've heard and read of folks who ovulate late; I ovulate early. Like a week plus early. And previous docs have put me on lupr0n to keep the one freaking over-achiever follicle who starts growing moments after I start menstruating in check.) says the nice nurse lady. No to changing the standard drug protocol. And no to more monitoring (they like four days apart). And no to every other non-standard generic thing I asked about.


So I'm completely convinced that my clinic will need one "learner" cycle with me, and that the first one will be a complete wash, and we will spend thousands of dollars for nothing (even though I have insurance coverage, it specifically does not cover things like ICSI and a portion of the meds -- approximately $2,500).

And this is thousands of dollars that we do not have, as every other IF treatment has been out of pocket and my faulty ovaries (and H's slacker sperm) have caused us to go into debt. And this makes me feel like an irresponsible, selfish, evil person. Even H says he wishes we could wait until we had the money saved (we're contemplating putting the amount on our one remaining credit card).

But I'm 40 freaking years old; it's been a year since my last medicated monitored anything (unless you count the acupuncturist which you really shouldn't). And the law says my coverage will expire at age 44 which seems like a long time away but really isn't.

And my husband says, let's do it.

So. Okay.

Here we go.


Heather said...

YAY!! I hope this cycle is THE cycle!!

SULLY said...

I understand TERRIFIED. I really do. We were SUPPOSED to be DONE with all 3 or our remaining IUI's before being childless, or parents...BUT I got cold feet about a week before the consult so I cancelled.

Now, we are waiting the results of #1 IUI (for this round purposes) because I didn't go till July.

YOU, not the doc, not the husband and NOT MOMMA (his not you) are the determining factor as to when the right time is. Years would make a difference...this I understand...but if you need a month...two months...or even three take them. Work through the fear, and answer the questions you have to your satisfaction before moving ahead. I promise in the end...those "break" months won't seem so bad once you get started!


Bea said...

Wow. A lot of very genuine anxieties there, but at the end of the day I think you're right - you have to go with "good enough" rather than "perfect". Fingers crossed!


Waiting Amy said...

Wow, I understand you anxiety about this upcoming cycle. I'm sensing some concerns from you about your clinic, no? If they really aren't ready to try and use your previous experiences to improve your outcome, are you okay with that? In NYC I would imagine you have many choices for clinics, or are you stuck with this one due to insurance coverage? You should have been able to ask all those questions of the RE, not have to go through the nurse. Okay, sorry to question things, just want you to get the best bang for your buck. 'Cause you deserve it!

Whatever happens, and whenever it does, I'm hoping hard for you!

squarepeg said...

Hmmm - it IS frustrating when you feel like your clinic won't listen to and respect your concerns (I know JUST how THAT feels!).

Can you perhaps talk with the RE rather than the nurse prior to setting your protocol? whether or not you are paying out of pocket should have no bearing on your right to take an active role in your care. And your concerns are valid!

Good luck with moving forward - I for one think trepidation is completely normal :)

...and thanks for your pep talks recently :)

SaraS-P said...

Heck, I'd be scared too! But I hope this one does the trick. Message to your ovaries: No need to rush, just go with the flow and ovulate on schedule, ok?

Reproductive Jeans said...

Hope has been replaced by terror in my least for now, so I know what ya mean. But I can only HOPE and HOPE some more that this will be it for of luck--and Ill be back to check on you!

My Reality said...

Terrified. Check.

Crappy ovaries. Check.

I am a poor responder and for my next cycle, I am not going to do any kind of supression at all before the cycle, including BCP's. We are hoping that the large dose of FSH will kick my ovaries into high gear.

I wish you much luck with this cycle, whenever you decide to start it.