Wednesday, October 24, 2007

50% Chance

I am, right now, bleeding.

Bleeding into a maxi pad that I bought special yesterday. Bleeding.

And if this pregnancy is going to survive, I need to stop bleeding.

Since yesterday, the bleeding has lightened, lessened, tapered off.

But.

I still bleed, bleed bright red. Minimal cramping but blood, blood, blood.

Yesterday, I called in sick to work, called the on-call doctor and went running to my clinic. H was convinced the entire time that it would be something benign. The on call doctor on the phone was convinced it was fine. (Something about bleeding with no cramps not being scary).

Whatever. When the RE at the clinic inserted the wand, I shut my eyes. Tight. H was there and the universe never gives him bad news.

But.

A week ago (or so) we had two, perfectly nice round sacs. Yesterday, we had one round sac and one that was decidedly flat. The flat one still had a heartbeat (that seemed to surprise the doctor) and though I had much blood and "tissue" the sac still was, okay, let me search for the word. Um. Um. I don't remember it. But the sac, while flat, did not appear to be compromised.

Also, in the good news category, (and this is one small freaking category) my cervix is closed. "If it was wide open," said doctor, "there'd be no chance. But closed is good."

Still, the doctor did not give flat sac a good chance of survival. And what's worse, if flat sac decides to spontaneously abort, he may take his sibling with him.

So.

I have a 50% chance that flat sac will rebound from this. He was measuring at exactly the same rate as sibling; 7w2d.

I have a 50% chance that flat sac will quietly cease without causing harm to the other.

I have a 50% chance that I will lose everything.

My husband has a vision that he's holding in his head. Ten years from now, when we're sitting around the table at Thanksgiving, him. myself, and our two children. These two children. And H is telling flat sac the story of how much he worried us. And how much of a scrapper that he was, that he pulled through.

This has caused flat sac to actually get his own nickname -- Scrappy. (We've always called the pregnancy "Spunketta," for really inane reasons.) When we found out we had twins, we didn't immediately have a second nickname.

Now we do.

So world, meet Scrappy and Spunketta.

And Scrappy, stop bleeding.

Everybody else, please tell me that Scrappy's flattening and the blood could be some stupid coincidence. That sacs don't need to be round to survive.

Something.

Help.

21 comments:

LJ said...

This is all so frightening, I know. So little ones, please stop scaring your mom. She's being so good to you and really loves you. So stop being flat, and snuggle in for a while, okay?

Familyof2 said...

ACtually, have a blog I read where the sac was tear drop shaped and NOT round. Baby is now 12 weeks 2 days old.

Bleeding, maybe you just had too much lining...and spunky is being crowded by that. Yeah thats it...Spunky while liking the hospitable environment you have given him doesn't like so much padding...yeah thats it...

noswimmers said...

Com'on scrappy, be nice to your mom and stop scaring her! She really deserves some relaxation right now, so STOP BLEEDING!
*My thoughts are with you--wishing you the best*

hope548 said...

Here's hoping for the happy 50%!

Samantha said...

Sending as many good thoughts your way for both Scrappy and Spunketta to make it. You must be very scared right now.

amy said...

Crossing my fingers and toes for you! I know it is sometimes hard to hope on this journey but your readers will keep hoping for you through this.
Scrappy and Spunketta--Hang in there! Stop scaring your poor mom.

Amy
dancingwithinfertility.blogspot.com

The Town Criers said...

Sweetie, I don't have any advice or answers. Just sending a lot of hope.

Kristen said...

I am praying for the more positive side of the 50% statistic. XOXO

Tracy said...

Thinking of you and praying that Spunky drops the spunkiness and gets serious about growing like Spunketta. Hang in there...

Heather said...

My prayers are with you.

I hope your Thanksgiving vision becomes a reality.

serenity said...

I am hoping with everything I've got.

Thinking of you. And hoping. So very hard.

xxxx

Waiting Amy said...

Hoping, Hoping, Hoping, Hoping.

Scrapy ... BEHAVE.

Thinking of you lots. xxx

Amanda said...

I'm sending all the happy thoughts I can muster your way!!! And all the luck I can spare!!! Come on Scrappy and Spunketta! Grow Grow Grow!

(((hugs)))

squarepeg said...

thinking the best of thoughts... come on scrappy...

Beagle said...

Hoping you land in the happy 50%! Fingers crossed here.

Fertilize Me said...

Sending you hope and warm thoughts - wishing for great outcomes

journey to junior said...

thinking of you...scrappy, please listen to your mom.

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

I'm hoping that the odds will be in your favor. Praying for you, Scrappy, and Spunketta.

Von said...

I'm afraid I don't know much about collapsed sacs etc. I am praying for you that all will be ok. That the 50% will go in your favour.
You more than deserve it. Take things very easy.
Thinking of you.

lori said...

i don't have much in the way of answers, but i wanted to tell you that i'm rooting HARD for spanketta and scrappy!

thinking of you and wishing hard for 50% in the right direction,
-lori

Bea said...

I call heads, Nica. Remember to take that lucky charm H along next time. I hope the bleeding stops very soon. I want you to have one of those stories for the message boards which ends with, "And now they're both eighteen months old!"

I don't know anything about flat sacs, except that mine has been various shapes. I'm going with measurements and heartbeats.

Bea