Saturday, October 06, 2007

Mama hit my stomach as hard as she could and said "I kill it!"

So.

Vacation could be going a little better.

The timeshare that we're staying in, that we have stayed in before, that has never had an issue helping to take care of Mama, NOW has issues taking care of Mama. Hey, we BOUGHT the thing with the guarantee that their would be "activity counselors" and the like that we could leave her with for a few hours and not feel like crap. But this year, they've decided it's beyond their scope. One "fun0l0gist" in general made a point of lecturing me a few times about what a bad person I was to leave Mama with them.

Nice.

My mind is completely consumed with THAT little event, since I am having the damnedest time wrapping my brain around Mama's attack of me.

Okay, context: Has she ever hit me before? Yes. Has she ever hit my stomach before? Yes. Does she know we're possibly p? Maybe. (We've been talking about it in code, because she does not keep secrets and we are not yet ready to tell the world). Has she ever punched my tummy saying "I kill it" and/or "I kill your baby" before? Yes.

Is it frequent? No. Maybe once a week she acts up. Is she strong? Yes. I've been bruised by some encounters. Could I take her? Yes. Probably. She is a short, fat, sturdy woman who is not afraid to fight.

Could she cause damage?

I don't know. If, say, an average eight-year-old rams into your newly implanted belly, does that cause damage?

Seriously. This is a question. Does anyone know?

Because. Because right now, I am scared of my mother-in-law. Scared of my mother-in-law.

It happened yesterday. She hit me once, hard as she could, in the belly. I was stunned. Shocked. I went cold. I froze.

She laughed. Said "I kill it!" and hit me again.

I jumped out of the way, still IN SHOCK and turned to H.

"Please tell her that she can't hit my belly anymore." I felt cold, dead, scared, remote. You know what I mean?

H completely FREAKED OUT.

He yelled, and Mama denied everything. She hadn't hit me, she would never hit me, I was lying. The volume (and the mood) escalated and H finally tapped her cheek (think a "hey wake up!" level of tap).

And even though it was the most benign of taps (there was no noise, it left no mark, etc.) it freaked me out. H later explained it was how Mama's father used to discipline her when she was young, and he'd hoped to connect to some primal memory.

But we both felt sick about the whole thing.

We sat out on the terrace for a while, in calling distance of Mama but having the illusion of distance.

And tried to figure out what we are going to do.

We have considered adoption, but. But. We were always wary to do that with Mama. We have a friend who has a little sister. The little sister is 12 and morbidly obese. And Mama ALWAYS says "she is fat." I try to keep them away from each other when we have family get togethers.

For that matter, Mama is always telling ME that I am fat. A week does not go by that she hasn't told me at least once if not daily that I am fat. And that she is skinny. Mind you, she's got 20 pounds on me and I'm a half-foot taller. But *I'm* fat. (Funny bit amidst the stress: Mama went to the doctors, and he weighed her. And he read the amount on the scale and she blinked, turned and looked at him. "Your scale is broken," she told him. "I weight 98 pounds.")

So. Why is she doing this? Either she thinks that I am fat, and this is acceptable teasing, or she realizes that there may be a new member of the household and she's not sure how she feels about it. Let's face it, Mama is currently the center of our lives. Any sibling would act up with the thought of a rival.

But.

But when it's not a child, but is someone child-like, how do you handle it? How do we?

We've played around with her drugs enough to know that drugs are not the answer. That said, I still think the best thing to do is to go to her doctor and tell him everything. (That would mean that Mama's doctor would know before my father. Modern life is funny...) Perhaps there is SOMETHING that he can recommend. If not drugs, then a therapy of some kind? Her doctor is associated with her day care center (they're all part of the same facility) so maybe there's something there that someone recommends?

I'm completely overwhelmed. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A HAPPY TIME. Okay, a guardedly happy time, but still HAPPY. We're supposed to be celebrating. We're supposed to be sharing secret looks and grins.

Please, someone tell me that she can't do any damage. That she hasn't done any damage.

Please.

20 comments:

Lori said...

Wow. It sure sounds as if you have a lot to deal with.

I hope things go well with your pregnancy hopes, and that your MIL is able to leave your body alone.

Delenn said...

I do not think she could do any damage. It sounds like it was not a hard punch (if you are comparing it to a rambunctous 8 year old).

However, and I don't want you to take offense, but...maybe its time your MIL went into a nursing home? I cannot imagine the difficulties that are causing her to be with you guys, but frankly, with a small child around, you cannot watch her 24/7 (let alone the next 9 months--you need to have less stress in your life, not MORE).

It might be time to look into alternatives to her living full time with you guys.

Sorry if I am overstepping bounds on this one. I am sure you guys have thought of all the possibilities...

(I do know a little about Alzehiemers -- my grandfather had it. For the longest time he lived with my grandma, but after a while he started getting up at night and attacking her (thinking she was not his wife). He ended up having to go to a home.)

Waiting Amy said...

God Nica, how hard for you!

I agree, unlikely that there is damage. You ute is nice and soft and movable, a little bounce won't mean anything.

I too, can't help but wonder if Mama's symptoms are worsening and what this means for your living situation. As Delenn said, some Alzheimer's patients can become violent toward even loved ones.

I certainly can't know all the details of your lives and relationships, so many apologies if this sounded out of line. Just thinking of you. Hoping for less stress in your life.

Knock Me Up said...

I agree, that right now a hit like the one you described would probably not make too much of a difference, but having said that, I really do not know. You should ask your doctor when you next speak. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this now, at a time when you are right, you should be feeling pretty happy. It will be very hard having to be on guard to protect your belly all the time. I wish I had some great advice but just do not know what to tell you.

Cathy said...

Your uterus is still really low at this point, and there's lots of padding around the baby. Likely you're fine, but if you're worried, call your RE/OB for reassurance. (I got hit by a large dog once and a cat jumped on my belly numerous times; no harm done.)

But I had to chime in. I'd be worried, too, about continuing to have her living with you guys. Even if she can't/doesn't harm the pregnancy .. what happens after the baby comes?

Samantha said...

I'm sorry you have to deal with Mama right now. I hope that her doctor will come up with some way for her to accept this new member of the family.

I also doubt she caused any damage, but I can understand why you are freaked out.

{hugs}

squarepeg said...

Damn. I hate the fact that you are probably looking at the next nine months as a chore, or a risk, or an obstacle course. You've already given so much of yourself to Mama - you should get to keep this - just this, as a time for you.

I have no advise as I've never been in the situation. I think talking to her doctor is the best first step you can take. Beyond that I'd hesitate to recommend.

I go agree with the pps - even a svelte person like you has enough muscle and fat surrounding the ute at this point to absorb the impact.

Good luck hon; please take care of yourself as best you can.

noswimmers said...

I've been lurking here for a week or so...and I just have to comment (sorry if I'm overstepping my bounds here)...but I would send mama packing!
I can't imagine the hurt and stress it would cause your family if she actually did do some damange. Fortunately, it sounds like you have nothing to worry about with this last encounter...but imagine what could happen as you get bigger? Or if she loses it and hurts the baby once it's born?
I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, I wish you the best of luck.

hope548 said...

I agree with what a lot of the others have said, the blow probably wouldn't do any damage to the baby. I also agree you have a whole lot of stress in your lives mostly due to Mama. If you did decided to look into alternative living situations, I don't think it is selfish. Sometimes you've just done all that you can, and you have lives to live too. Again with the others, I don't mean to overstep my bounds, but I'm sure I have. Good luck and I hope you can enjoy the rest of your vacation.

Familyof2 said...

Ok first, that little guy(s) of yours are deeply buried inside. The uterus still hasn't moved above the pelvic bone...so take a deep breath regarding that.

Now on to the harder scope. You are having a baby who is going to CONSUME your time even more so than Momma. there will also be times when you can't be with momma AND the baby...thus Momma would have the opportunity to be with baby.

Thus, as hard as it sounds, and as mean as it will come across it is time to move Momma to an assistance facility. You are NOT a bad daughter in law for doing this. You need to protect YOUR family and yourself from harm honey.

My grandmother had it, and the best thing for her was to be moved from our house into a home. They knew how to care for her and her ever changing needs far better than my parents did.

*Hugs honey* I know this is HARD!

Von said...

Hi Nica,
I don't think she has done any damage. I say this because I do a lot horse-riding, jumping and the like. I used to stop when I was doing treatments etc. In the last year I'd had enough of being 'careful" and just continued as I would normally. On discussion of this with my Doc. he said it wasn't a problem. He said even if I did fall off jumping, A: the embie too tiny and B: Well protected by all around it.
I am more concerned for you with the situation you are in with your MIL. You NEED to sort that out. I've worked with people with A in the past. She sounds like she is at the point where she needs full-time nursing care. She is not going to get any better and will only become more violent and child-like. Has she started wandering yet?
While this is a very difficult thing to face it may be your only option. You are not letting her down by doing this.
You will need to look after yourself in the coming months not to mention the safety of your child in your home.......

Heather said...

I've heard of lots of pregnant women falling down and still being ok - I imagine that would be more impact that what you described her hit as.

Regardless, if you are worried about it, see the doctor. Get checked out so that you can have peace of mind.

I can't imagine how it must be to live with someone like that. I hope that there is a perfect fix for all of you for your situation and that you find it.

Bea said...

Hopefully you have been reassured by the others regards the embryo. I have been feeling so, so fragile, so I would be very freaked out as well, but in reality those little guys are nestled down in the bony, protective cage of the pelvis at this point, and even when they rise up, they're very well cushioned.

Of course, you still need to address the hitting. I think medical professionals get a free pass, so don't even think of offending anyone by telling Mama's doctor first. You need professional advice so you know what the options are and what the likely outcome. Email me if you need to talk. I don't have much advice, but sometimes it's helpful to have someone to bounce ideas off.

Bea

TeamWinks said...

At this point I highly doubt she could do any damage. I fell early on in a twin pregnancy (around 5 or 6 weeks), and they told me that nothing could be harmed that early. However, long term, she can't go around punching you. You know that already though. I truly hope you find a solution to this situation. I don't envy you, because it's a difficult place to be in. All the decisions surrounding it are emotionally difficult. All I can say is, that we're all here to listen.

Good Luck, Nica! Hope the pregnancy continues to grow and you'll have a little one in nine months!

SaraS-P said...

I'm pretty sure she wouldn't do any damage.

I hope her doc has some good solutions to offer.

Somewhat Ordinary said...

I agree that at this point there was probably no harm done, but I'm not a doctor so I'd check. I also feel like for your sanity and well-being as well as the well-being of this child you tired so hard for you should maybe look into some other arrangements for Mama. I would hate for you to have to spend the next 9 months with so much added anxiety.

JJ said...

Oh Nica--I am so sorry! Thats quite a "vacation" story....
I hope and pray that the punch was only a surface wound...

My Reality said...

As everyone has said, Mama couldn't have done anything to the baby or babies (and with your beta, it could be!)

I don't know how I would handle the situation. I lived with an abusive brother, I know it is a different situation, but it is hard to figure out what to do. The guilt becomes overwhelming. I think the most important thing you can do right now is to take care of yourself and the precious life inside of you. Maybe that means getting help with Mama, more than you have already. I hope you are able to find a balance. Remember, that no matter what you decide, you have done the absolute best you could have done in the situation and try not to let the guilt get to you.

serenity said...

Ditto what everyone says. There's a lot between a fist on your stomach and your baby right now, a punch won't screw that up. I don't know if you saw the news story a while back about a skydiver whose parachute malfunctioned so she hit the ground at 50mph? Turns out that they found out in the ER that she was 6 or 8w pregnant (she didn't know). And she went on to deliver full term.

Harder, though, is to give you reassurance about Mama. I have no personal experience with this one, so I'm loathe to give any assvice. But I WOULD talk with her doctor about this, at the very least.

Hugs. I am sorry you have to deal with all of this.

Alisa said...

It si unlikely that she could cause damage because your uterus is still behind your pubic bone at this stage. At 10 weeks, mne was still so low that they couldn;t find the heartbeat witha doppler. Even with multiples, I'd expect you'd still be safe at under 5 weeks.

I think that the big question heere is how to deal with things in the long run, because it won't be safe forever. I'm sure that's what you're trying to consider.