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i.am.freaking.out.

If Mama sees someone sick, she decides she's ill. We've taken to lying to her when one of us has the sniffles.

What's she going to do when she finds this out?

For this and other reasons, we've decided not to mention or talk about it until 7 weeks,. Heartbeat, you know, assuming all goes well.

And that's another thing.

Assuming.

Assuming all goes well.

I know all too well, from personal experience and from all of you, what can go wrong.

Damn.

DAMN.

My mind is ALL OVER THE PLACE. How am I going to haul Mama around, now that I can't life more than ten pounds. (I had to life her out of the tub last IVF cycle. The cycle that didn't work). WHERE can I find a wheelchair with a sidecar? (Seriously. Anyone have a clue?)

Assuming that all goes well.

Assuming.

Mama's already asked me tonight if I was pregnant. (She asks frequently; it's not unusual). I said "No, Mama," and H freaked. I can't really blame him.

Mama has punched me in the stomach before, hard as she could (and she's a strong little elf). How's she going to react to this? (She's done it playfully, saying, "I kill your baby" and "I don't want your baby").

I am thisclose to getting her, like, a b.aby.aliv.e doll or such to see how she reacts. (She's treated stuffed animals in her domain very badly in the past).

Then there's the whole what happens if I have to go to the hospital in the middle of the night thing. Who will take care of Mama? My brother is a turd; I doubt this will be the moment he steps up and helps. And our friends are either (a) not close enough to tap for this, (b) too involved with their own lives, or (c) not someone we'd trust with Mama. (One fella in H's fantasy f.oot.ball league said he'd like to take Mama out and get her drunk and/or high, as her day to day logic, he says, is similiar to his when he is drunk and/or high. He has volunteered to take care of Mama, but oh hell no.)

I'm already saying I'll need a c-section, so we can schedule it and have someone take care of Mama. (Assuming. AAGW.)

My husband thinks I'm crazy, thinks everything will work itself out.

Huh!

I have to take another Beta on Tuesday.

When I am on vacation.

Anyone know where I can get a Beta done in A.tlanti.c C.it.y?

I know sane people, or people without Mamas, would be dancing with joy at this number.

But I'm scared sh*tless.

Not only do I have to worry about everything that can go wrong with gestation and all, I have to worry about the Mama.

(I'll be better after the second beta. Promise.)