Tuesday, September 25, 2007

High School Drama

In high school, I was in love with this fella. Let's call him Carl (not his name, in case I *had* to mention).

And I loved Carl. Looooooooved him. And though we went out for only a few months, I spent the bulk of high school (and part of college) being in love with Carl.

We did the "friend" thing after we broke up, which (for me) was a thinly veiled attempt to stick close enough to him so that he could fall back in love with me. It didn't work; we never got back together. There was a moment in which we might have, but then Maria showed up and they dated for the rest of high school.

At some point (I don't remember when) Carl and I were having a phone conversation. "I fought so hard for you," I remember saying. I don't remember any sort of context. I just remember Carl's response.

"No you didn't," Carl said. "You may think you did, but you didn't."

I am not a fighter. I am a quitter. I suppose its why Carl and I never got together again, even though I knew him before, during and after Maria. I lost count of how many girlfriends I knew him through. I always loved him, and I never did anything about it.

IF is hard (duh). 2ww are super hard (super DUH). But I am feeling especially... what's the word? Crappy. Vulnerable. Weird. Weak. Desperate. Despondent. Hopeless. Pensive. Ponderous. CRAPPY. I am feeling especially (pick a word) because I don't fight. I don't fight WELL. I (feel as though I) have rarely fought for something and won. (Do we need to revisit the job fiasco?) I'm not a winner. (The fact that my husband picked me continues to amaze me.)

I have never wanted anything as much as I want this baby. I want to have a child with my husband. I want her to have his eyes and is hair and my eyebrows and freckles. I want her to have my husband's sense of courage and his artistic ability and overall sense of fearlessness. I want this more than I have ever wanted anyone or anything in my entire life.

And I haven't the slightest idea how to fight for it.

6 comments:

My Reality said...

Keep doing what you are doing. You are fighting hard. I hope it pays off.

Knock Me Up said...

I agree, you are fighting! Every time you decide to continue down this sucky IF path you are fighting.

I know it is hard to believe that there will ever be relief at the end of this battle -- I wish I could tell you that there is a payoff. The only thing I know for sure is that you are in a battle right now with hope and despair, optimism and pessimism. You are a fighter...but it's okay to not feel like you are, that's part of the package.

Bea said...

Yes, you are fighting. I don't know what else you call all the injections and procedures. You don't have to be an energetic beacon of positive thinking, you just have to put one foot in front of the other.

Bea

Chili said...

I think you're fighting in the best way possible right now.

Dreamer4agift said...

You're doing everything possible. You're fighting for this child that will be yours one day, even if it doesn't seem that way right now. Maybe Carl was just being a guy and didn't see how you were fighting for him (they are boys you know, and they aren't very smart), so you believed him. You are a fighter, in a good way. You're gonna win, too.

Samantha said...

Your post is so poignant, it brought tears to my eyes. You are doing what you kind to make your dream come true, there is nothing else for you to do. Unfortunately, some things are out of your control.

Carl sounds like a bit of guy, as in being unaware. Sounds like your husband is much more aware. Plus there's no way to predict how love will work out, no matter what you do. I'll tell you, I pestered and bothered the guy of my dreams in high school, and he always blew me off. Then we went to college, and I got myself a different boyfriend, and suddenly he decided he was interested in me after all. And it really wasn't a ploy on my part, I had decided it was time to move on. And we ended up married.

Trying, fighting, not trying, not fighting, sometimes things really are out of your control. And it's hard to take.