Sunday, September 23, 2007

Today, I Have No Hope

I can't imagine going through IF without getting depressed. And I don't just mean the "I feel down today" depression. I mean the "it's hard to function" depression.

Or maybe it's just me.

I fell asleep yesterday, and slept through my acupuncture appointment. And then, when I woke up, I forgot that I'd had one.

And when I remembered, I freaked.

What kind of IF'er am I to abandon the practices I truly believe will help get me pregnant? How could I forget? How could I not be more organized?

It went down from there.

H didn't seem what the big deal was about, but to be honest, he rarely does. If this cycle doesn't work, there's always the next! he says. What's the big deal?

Ow.

I stuck lavender massage oil under my nose, listened to my affirmations and hoped it would be enough. H actually contributed a rub-down, but he was angry at me, and frankly it was physically painful.

I cried for a bit, but as I said, H had no idea why.

I'd made the decision earlier to start peeing on a stick. I will try every day until my official Beta on Friday. In keeping with my "I Am The World's Biggest Chicken" title, I peed in a cup and then woke my husband from a sound sleep to put said urine on a stick.

It was negative (no big surprise). I know it's much too early.

But.

I wanted hope.

5 comments:

Chili said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so rough. I hope things pick up!

Waiting Amy said...

Oh Nica! The sleep was probably more beneficial than the acupuncture would have been! (not that I'm bashing acu, just that sleep is the ultimate).

I'm sorry you are struggling during this 2ww. It is SO hard. Hoping your affirmations help and a positive pee stick is in your immediate future!

Samantha said...

I have a terrible love/hate relationship with pee sticks. Irresistible, I have to test, but I never believe the results. I don't know if it would be better just to keep all of the tension until the end.

I hope the positive stick will arrive soon.

Bea said...

I hate this bit. And I hate those damn peesticks. It is early, though, so wishing you through to a successful conclusion.

Bea

Dianne/Flutter said...

Still hoping for you.